Parental Bullying: How Childhood Trauma Amplifies Workplace Abuse

Fifty percent of female targets of workplace bullying in my doctoral study first experienced psychological abuse by their mother and father. They did not have one abusive caretaker, but two; some had siblings who followed suit (Hecker, 2024). 

The Lasting Impact of Childhood Abuse

The consequences for children who experienced abuse at the hands of those who were supposed to care for them are harrowing and include delayed or stunted emotional or physical development, feeling deficient or defective, inability to know their strength, hypervigilance, need for verification of self, memory problems, somatic symptoms, and complex relational trauma (Felitti et al., 1998; Herman, 1992; Levine, 1997; NCBI Bookshelf, 2001; Siegel, 2012). Dissociation becomes habitual, severing mind from body as an escape from unbearable pain and fostering a "false self" that erodes authentic emotions, self-esteem, and relational security—heightening vulnerability to adult workplace bullying. For deeper neurobiological and somatic insights, see The Anatomy of Harm: How Abuse Impacts Your Brain, Body, and Psyche.

The Central Wound of Childhood Trauma: Being Unseen and Unprotected

A central aspect of childhood trauma is the profound experience of being unseen and unprotected. At the heart of this trauma is the child’s unmet need to be acknowledged and honored for who they truly are (van der Kolk, 1989). They often endured harm at the hands of one parent, while the other parent did not intervene to protect them. A fundamental aspect of childhood trauma is the devastating experience of lacking a competent protector. Children endure harm, often inflicted by one parent, while the other parent fails to intervene, betraying the child’s trust through their silence or inaction. This betrayal compounds the trauma, embedding a deep wound of helplessness and abandonment. It creates a lasting internal belief that when vulnerable or fearful, no capable or caring person will come to their aid. This betrayal not only fractures the child’s sense of safety but also casts long shadows into adulthood, where individuals may again find themselves isolated, unsupported, and without rescue, especially in environments such as the workplace where bullying occurs or other similar dynamics.

Children raised in abusive environments often develop a nervous system that becomes hypersensitive or “primed” to detect and respond to abusive or threatening behavior. Because the parent serves as the child’s essential source of attachment and survival, the child adapts by psychologically splitting off or dissociating the abusive aspects of the parent. This necessity becomes starkly clear through Jennifer Freyd’s (2008) betrayal trauma theory: when protectors become perpetrators—or fail to protect, as with the non-protective parent—the child faces an impossible bind. Full awareness of this betrayal would sever the child's lifeline of care and survival. It would also leave them without a caretaker to hold the dysregulation of such devastating awareness. This is where betrayal blindness comes in: the child's unconscious strategy of not fully knowing the abuse to maintain the parental bond essential for survival. The adaptation of splitting, hence, allows the child to maintain attachment despite abuse, leading over time to a form of desensitization to the harmful behavior.

Psychological Splitting

Psychological splitting is a complex defense mechanism with significant implications for understanding how children survive abusive or frightening caregiving relationships. Ronald Fairbairn (1952) emphasized that when a child depends on a caregiver who is also a source of fear or humiliation, the child protects the attachment by “splitting” experience into good and bad parts: the good parent and good self are held apart from the bad parent and bad self. Anna Freud (1936) described splitting as one of the earliest defenses that helps the child manage anxiety and preserve a sense of a lovable self when reality feels intolerable. Sigmund Freud (1936/1966) initially explored the broader concept of defense mechanisms, viewing splitting as a primitive psychological defense mechanism, particularly common during childhood development. He observed that children use this mechanism to manage complex emotions toward parents who simultaneously provide care and set limits. Otto Kernberg (1967) elaborated on the concept, describing splitting as a motivated mental operation that helps individuals protect themselves against ambivalent feelings. Specifically, Kernberg noted that children use splitting to separate negative and positive representations, especially during separation-individuation (18-36 months).

Donald Kalsched (1996) deepened this understanding within a Jungian archetypal framework, portraying splitting and dissociation as the psyche’s innate response to overwhelming trauma that threatens the coherent self. He writes, "The psyche’s normal reaction to traumatic experience is to withdraw from the scene of the injury. If withdrawal is not possible, a part of the self must be withdrawn, and for this to happen, the otherwise integrated ego must split into fragments or dissociate" (pp. 12-13), a process that encapsulates the vulnerable “personal spirit” (e.g., the innocent, feeling core) to shield it from annihilation. This self-care system initially preserves life by hiding unbearable pain in unconscious compartments. Yet, it evolves into a potentially demonic force, manifesting as inner persecutors or repetitive defenses that sabotage adult relationships and reenact trauma.

Reenactment

A child who split off abusive aspects of their parent might later exhibit similar behavior with other authority figures, particularly those who resemble their parent (van der Kolk, 1989). Understandably, targets of childhood maltreatment look for safe places and believe those to be outside of the home, a friend’s house, school, recreational club, or university, and, later, the workplace. Trauma reenactment, or repetition compulsion as initially described by Freud (1936/1966), refers to the unconscious psychological drive to repeat or recreate aspects of past traumatic experiences in an attempt to gain mastery or resolution (Herman, 1996; van der Kolk, 1989). Childhood trauma survivors often find themselves attracted to relationships that echo earlier abusive dynamics, perpetuating cycles of emotional pain and disappointment. This unconscious pattern involves recreating familiar but harmful relational dynamics, driven by a deep psychological need to make sense of or master past trauma. However, because these patterns are rooted in unresolved wounds, they frequently result in repeated emotional suffering and relational dysfunction.

Retraumatization

After having endured significant hardship in childhood, it is profoundly heartbreaking that many survivors experience bullying again in adulthood, especially in workplace settings. This cycle can be viewed through the lens of complex trauma, where early adversity sensitizes the nervous system, lowering thresholds for stress reactivity and vulnerability to subsequent trauma (van der Kolk, 2005; Courtois & Ford, 2009). As one participant in the study poignantly described, they felt as if they had “moved from one viper’s nest to another,” illustrating the lived experience of adult retraumatization that mirrors childhood victimization. The workplace thus can become a stage for the re-enactment of unresolved trauma, perpetuating symptoms such as hypervigilance, helplessness, and dissociation (Pearlman & Saakvitne, 1995; Herman, 1992).

From a psychodynamic perspective, retraumatization often activates early object relations dynamics and unresolved attachment injuries, leaving individuals retraumatized by similar relational patterns—perpetrators replicating the roles of abusive figures, and victims re-experiencing feelings of powerlessness (Kohut, 1971; Main & Hesse, 1990). This understanding is critical for developing trauma-informed workplace interventions that acknowledge these deep-rooted psychological vulnerabilities instead of pathologizing victims.

Psychological Mechanisms Seen in Perpetrators of Bullying

The complex dynamics of bullying and abuse involve deep psychological mechanisms that affect both perpetrators and victims. Perpetrators often project their own insecurities and negative self-perceptions onto their targets (Freud, 1936/1966). This projection serves as a defense mechanism, allowing the perpetrator to externalize and attempt to destroy aspects of themselves they find unacceptable (Klein, 1946).

Perpetrators often exhibit a compulsion to repeat the behavior to lessen inner suffering. The concept of repetition compulsion, first introduced by Freud (1920/1955), suggests that perpetrators may repeatedly engage in abusive behaviors as an unconscious attempt to manage their own internal distress. This cyclical behavior can lead to significant psychological harm for the victims, who may experience a range of symptoms as their bodies and minds struggle to cope with the ongoing violence and abuse directed at them.

DARVO: A Common Manipulation Tactic to Deny Accountability

When confronted, perpetrators often employ a tactic known as DARVO (Deny, Attack, and Reverse Victim and Offender), a term coined by psychologist and researcher Jennifer Freyd (2024). Through her work on betrayal trauma, Freyd noticed that abusers consistently follow a familiar script: first, they Deny what happened (e.g., “You’re making that up.” “I never did that.” “I have no idea what you’re talking about.”); next, they Attack the person bringing it up (“You’re so sensitive and always misinterpreting everything.” “You’re just trying to cause drama.” ); and finally, they Reverse Victim and Offender—turning the tables, insisting they are the ones being mistreated (“I can’t believe you’re treating me like this.” “Why are you attacking me? Now I’m the one who feels wronged.”). The inability to take ownership of their behavior keeps the unacceptable behavior projected onto the target, and the vicious cycle of abuse continues—echoing the childhood betrayal blindness that once preserved fragile attachments, now weaponized against adult victims.

DARVO is especially insidious because it’s often highly effective. This tactic not only confuses and silences actual victims but can also mobilize others to support the abuser, making it even harder for the truth to come out. In a family setting, a parent might deny emotional neglect and accuse their child of being ungrateful. In romantic relationships, the partner addressing harmful behavior can end up apologizing for having brought up the abuse. At work, human resources might back up a perpetrator and label the real victim as the troublemaker. A study by Harsey et al. (2024) found that almost 72% of people who confronted their wrongdoer experienced DARVO.

The persistent nature of such abuse, coupled with the perpetrator's refusal to acknowledge or cease their behavior, can lead to feelings of helplessness and anxiety in the victims (Cramer, 2008). Many targets of workplace bullying find that leaving the abusive environment is their only recourse, often resulting in self-imposed isolation and a diminished ability to trust others and themselves (Siefert et al., 2006).

A Call to Action

If you have experienced workplace bullying and had an abusive caretaker in your past, it is crucial to seek trauma-based professional therapy. Research has shown that individuals with a history of childhood abuse are more vulnerable to workplace bullying and its adverse effects (Mathews & MacLeod, 2005). Trauma-focused therapies, such as Somatic Experiencing® or Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR), as well as psychotherapy and depth psychological therapy, have been found effective in addressing both childhood trauma and workplace bullying experiences (Bisson et al., 2013). These therapeutic approaches can help you process past traumas, develop healthier coping mechanisms, and rebuild your sense of self-worth and trust in others.

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