The Myth of Self-Regulation: From Isolation to Co-Regulation

Introduction

For decades, psychology and self-help culture have championed the ideal of self-regulation as a mark of maturity and resilience. The individual who can “stay calm,” “manage their emotions,” and “control their reactions” is often celebrated as psychologically advanced. Yet viewed through the lens of relational neuroscience and the body’s lived experience, this notion reveals itself as partial at best. At its core lies a misunderstanding of human neurobiology. Self-regulation, when severed from co- and eco-regulation, becomes not a sign of strength but of disconnection. Our nervous system was never designed to thrive in isolation. It is wired for connection.

The Body’s Need for Co-Regulation

Stephen Porges’ Polyvagal Theory offers a profound reorientation of what it means to be human. It situates our emotional regulation within the context of our evolutionary need to feel safe with others. According to Porges (2011), the autonomic nervous system is fundamentally social. Safety, calm, and resilience emerge not from solitary control but from reciprocal attunement. “We’re not about self-regulation,” he notes, “we’re about co-regulation.”

The vagus nerve, a primary channel of communication between the heart, lungs, and face, serves as the biological foundation for this relational process. When we are in safe connection, our heart rate stabilizes, our breath softens, and our voice becomes more melodic. This state of physiological calm creates the neural conditions for trust and openness. When we are alone or threatened, the system contracts. The voice tightens, the gaze narrows, and the body prepares for defense. Porges (2017) calls this the “neuroception of safety,” the implicit detection of cues in others that tell our nervous system whether we are safe enough to relax into connection.

The Relational Continuum of Regulation

Sbarra and Hazan (2008) broaden this view, describing self-, co-, and dysregulation as a continuous relational process rather than distinct categories. From infancy through adulthood, emotional balance is negotiated through the presence or absence of attuned others. When we are safely connected, we co-regulate; when that connection ruptures, we must draw upon internalized co-regulation. This is what we call self-regulation. If both are unavailable, we fall into dysregulation. Their model illuminates how even so-called self-regulation is a relational echo, the nervous system’s attempt to recreate internally what was once experienced interpersonally.

Seen this way, independence is not the absence of need but the internalization of safe connection. Emotional resilience is the capacity to carry the memory of being soothed into moments of solitude. The nervous system learns safety through repeated experiences of co-regulation, not through isolation or control.

Wounded and Healed in Relationship

Bonnie Badenoch (2018) extends Porges’ insights into the realm of therapy and healing. She reminds us that our nervous systems are formed and reshaped within relational fields. We are “wounded in relationship, and we heal in relationship.” The ability to self-regulate depends on the internalized experience of having been co-regulated by another (e.g., a parent, primary caregiver, or therapist) whose presence was steady enough to hold our emotional storms without judgment or withdrawal. In this sense, self-regulation is not an individual skill we master but a physiological memory of safety within connection.

When early environments lack attuned caregiving, the nervous system is left without this internalized map of safety. It learns to regulate through suppression, dissociation, or hypervigilance, strategies of survival rather than thriving. In adulthood, these patterns often manifest as perfectionism, emotional control, or a relentless need to “hold it together.” What is mistaken for strength is often a form of inner exile, the body’s adaptation to a world that did not co-regulate it.

The Myth of the Autonomous Self

The cultural glorification of self-regulation reflects more than a misunderstanding of biology. It mirrors a deeper cultural story rooted in individualism and patriarchy. Patriarchal systems valorize “power over,” control, independence, and conquest, even when directed at the self.

Within this framework, vulnerability becomes a threat, and the body’s relational needs are pathologized as weakness. The ideal of self-regulation thus echoes the same impulse that seeks to dominate nature, subordinate others, and silence emotion. It is the internalization of “power over ourselves,” a conquest of the inner landscape (Real, 1994; Woodman, 1982).

Yet, biology tells a different story. Mammals, by definition, are co-regulating beings. The infant’s heart rate, temperature, and emotional rhythm are stabilized not through inner willpower but through the presence of another body. Our nervous systems are social organs. They require resonance to thrive (Schore, 2012; Siegel, 2012). The myth of self-sufficiency thus becomes a physiological impossibility. Even the capacity for solitude, for inward regulation, is born from a history of being held, seen, and soothed.

Image via Unsplash by Genessa Panainte, @genessapana

Interdependence and Embodied Safety

Interpersonal neurobiology offers a bridge between the biological and the relational. Daniel Siegel (2012) describes the mind as “a relational process that regulates the flow of energy and information between people.” Resilience emerges not from isolation but from integration, the linking of differentiated parts within ourselves and between ourselves and others. When attuned relationships support our nervous system, the body learns to settle. This state of safety enables flexibility, empathy, and creativity.

Allan Schore (2012) similarly emphasizes that the right hemisphere of the brain, where emotion and body awareness are most active, develops through moment-to-moment interactions with attuned caregivers. Co-regulation literally shapes our neural architecture. When such attunement is absent, the brain compensates by overdeveloping control mechanisms that suppress emotional expression. What culture praises as composure may, in truth, be dissociation.

Reclaiming Connection as Strength

To move from isolation to co-regulation requires a paradigm shift, from the heroic ideal of “managing oneself” to the humble recognition that we are relational beings. In the therapeutic and organizational world alike, this means cultivating spaces where mutual regulation can occur: through presence, tone, pacing, and attuned listening. Safety is not taught; it is transmitted.

True resilience arises not from domination of the body or mastery of the mind but from the trust that we can return to connection after rupture. Healing, therefore, is not about becoming self-sufficient. It is about recovering the capacity to co-regulate, to receive and give safety in the presence of others. This is both a biological truth and a moral invitation to restore.

References

Badenoch, B. (2018). The heart of trauma: Healing the embodied brain in the context of relationships. W. W. Norton & Company.

Porges, S. W. (2011). The polyvagal theory: Neurophysiological foundations of emotions, attachment, communication, and self-regulation. W. W. Norton & Company.

Porges, S. W. (2017). The pocket guide to the polyvagal theory: The transformative power of feeling safe. W. W. Norton & Company.

Real, T. (1994). I don’t want to talk about it: Overcoming the secret legacy of male depression. Scribner.

Sbarra, D. A., & Hazan, C. (2008). Coregulation, dysregulation, and self-regulation: An integrative framework for understanding attachment, separation, loss, and recovery. Personality and Social Psychology Review, 12(2), 141-167. https://doi.org/10.1177/1088868308315702

Schore, A. N. (2012). The science of the art of psychotherapy. W. W. Norton & Company.

Siegel, D. J. (2012). The developing mind: How relationships and the brain interact to shape who we are (2nd ed.). Guilford Press.

Woodman, M. (1982). The pregnant virgin: A process of psychological transformation. Inner City Books.